Throwing Down the Gauntlet. Why Wine Will Always be Better than Beer!

I’ve noticed a trend during the past couple of years or so of people trying to convince the world that beer is “as good as” or “better than” wine in just about every category. Some pundits are going so far as to say that beer will one day completely replace wine in restaurants.

{{{see mocking sneer here}}}

While I certainly can understand why beer drinkers are so envious of their wine drinking friends, I have to tell you that their envy is not unfounded.

Wine is, and always will be, better, classier, and healthier than beer. Beer drinkers will always have to fight the perception of beer as a lesser cousin of wine. And for good reason. Wine *is* better than beer. Period.

Wine (particularly red wine) has been shown to be protective against heart disease, obesity, cancer, and now aging. There is a red wine based drug in the works that is being studied to fight cancer. Red wine is believed to be the reason why the French, in spite of eating a high-fat diet, smoking heavily, and drinking lots of alcohol, have a fraction of the chronic illnesses that we Americanos have. While we’re living a lite, reduced-fat lifestyle, they’re wallowing in the sins we’re avoiding and living a decade longer than we are as a result. That’s just so wrong on so many levels. But I digress…

Wine has been lauded in recent years as study after study have proven that there’s a reason why wine drinkers are healthier and happier. Other than the elements contained within wine, it’s just because wine is, well, *better.*

Wine was the drink of choice for the elite, the servants, and the soldiers of Rome when it conquered the known world. They lost it when they incorporated beer into their diet.

While these are reasons enough to believe that wine is better than beer, here are my ten reasons why wine is classier, etc., than beer:

1. 1. There are never wine-chugging contests.
   2. You know those fat half-naked guys in stadiums screaming for their favorite football teams in zero degree weather? They are always drinking beer. Wine drinkers are watching the game on their wide-screen high-definition TV inside of a heated house.
   3. Wine is healthier than beer. EVERY study that compares the two shows this.
   4. There’s no such thing as a “wine belly.”
   5. Beer Bread is delicious. You can’t make Wine Bread because wine isn’t flatulent.
   6. The guy who helps you in a restaurant in choosing the right wine is a sommelier. The guy who helps you in a restaurant in choosing the right beer is a bartender.
   7. A table for two, candlelight, and wine make the quintessential romantic dinner. The equivalent in beer is a tall cold one at a pizza and wings joint with the old lady.
   8. A big fat hairy belch after drinking wine is considered rude. It’s expected after drinking beer. In fact, it can’t be helped.
   9. In my own observation, wine drinkers have more teeth per capita than beer drinkers.
   10. Serving beer in a wine glass, while adorable, still doesn’t make it wine.

Now I realize that there are a lot of people out there who may be offended by my observations. These people probably drink beer. ‘Nuff said.

Don’t get me wrong and don’t get your knickers in a knot. I happen to like beer, especially the higher-end (oxymoron alert) “artisanal” brews.

I even have my favorite beer joints.

One of my favorite places to visit while in Long Beach, CA, is The Yard House, a place of many beers. Can I tell you how happy I am that there’s one here?!? You can be sure that I will be visiting there shortly as my recuperation period winds down.

Rock Bottom Brewery (not in Vegas, dammit) has THE BEST Hefeweizen on the planet. Period.

For the tourists (and smart locals who like to party) the Monte Carlo Brewpub not only has great nibbles, but they have a great variety of beers as well. And rockin’ bands on the weekend to dance to!

Main Street Station Casino has the Triple-Seven Brewpub microbrewery which has made award-winning beers. While I’ve tried all of them, their Blackchip Porter is my hands-down favorite. Rich, dark, and frothy, it is a treat to the palate. Bud Light drinkers hate it. Hmmm. Maybe there’s a connection.

Old Chicago Brewing Company, located on the NW corner of Sahara and Ft. Apache, has seasonal brews that make visiting worth the trip. If you’re a local who likes beer, you’re doing yourself a disservice by not trying out their Belgian offerings.

And, of course, Gordon Biersch is now one of the local favorite hangouts. No, I did not use the term “meat market,” but that’s a whole ‘nother discussion.

So it seems that beer as a high-end drink is making inroads even into top-notch restaurants. There are hopes, I’m sure, that the same marketing focus that made screwcaps for wine somewhat acceptable for wine drinkers will make beer a snooty drink one day. It’s possible. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. With any luck, it will make "Lite" beers obsolete. Oh, wait. There’s still all that white zin even though wine is more popular than ever. Dammit. Oh well.

As for me, relaxing on the patio with cedar-plank salmon on the grill and a chilled Hefeweizen on a balmy summer evening can be pretty close to ethereal. Yeah, yeah. I’m a not-so-closet beer drinker. So what?

Now here’s where I have a big problem. Beer is now being served in stemware – wine glasses, even – and new beer aficionados are swirling and sniffing beer and using winespeak to describe the brews. How pretentious. Give it a rest, will you? It’s beer . Just grab a frosty mug and enjoy.

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